It has not so recently come to my attention that I have several grandma-like habits. I really enjoy being 22 going on 82, so I’m putting together a helpful list of ways you too can live the granny fabulous lifestyle! 1. Speak Yiddish. Just throw in a few phrases here and there like, “I schlepped all the way uptown and all you want to do is go to 1020? It’s senior night at Havana!”
1a. Use terms like “senior night” and attend events labeled as such.
2. Force-feed everyone and anyone who crosses the threshold of your house. Feel free to knock on neighbors’ doors and stuff food down their throats as well. Everyone appreciated a hot, oil-soaked latke.
3. Knit. Carrying a knitting bag inside your overstuffed purse will prove useful at all sorts of inopportune times such as while sitting in a lecture/bar/social environment.
4. Carry a large bag on your person at all times. Contents should include but not be limited to: gum, mints, pens, a lighter, at least 3 tubes of lipstick, Band-Aids, Advil, fast acting Advil, legwarmers, granola bars, and a spare pair of glasses (with oversized frames, of course). Note: you should probably lose your glasses often, even if they're already on your face.
5. Wear bright lipstick, brighter nail polish, enormous jewelry, and match clothing according to personal preference, not societal norms.
6. Practice selective hearing. (“What final paper?” “Who’s Dishwasher?”)
6a. It’s also appropriate to use speakerphone in public, due to your hearing inabilities. 6b. On that note, listen to Oldies. Music isn't made like it used to be.
7. Play bingo regularly.
8. Talk about the olden days frequently. These olden days include times when Starbucks didn’t have an iPhone app and Facebook didn’t automatically recognize faces to be tagged in photos. Also, when walking around the neighborhood, make sure to loudly point out every place you've ever been to/sat in/thought about. People are really interested in hearing that sort of thing.
9. Collect coupons and loyalty cards. If your wallet isn’t bursting with little piece of cardboard covered with various stamps at hole-punches, you’re not doing it right.
10. Kvetch about being called a bubbe when you know that all you really want to do is sit around drinking tea and slurping soup while admiring pictures of cute kittens on the internet. Perhaps while simultaneously watching daytime TV from your bathtub…