How to be a 22-year-old Bubbe

It has not so recently come to my attention that I have several grandma-like habits. I really enjoy being 22 going on 82, so I’m putting together a helpful list of ways you too can live the granny fabulous lifestyle! 1. Speak Yiddish.  Just throw in a few phrases here and there like, “I schlepped all the way uptown and all you want to do is go to 1020? It’s senior night at Havana!”

1a.  Use terms like “senior night” and attend events labeled as such.

2. Force-feed everyone and anyone who crosses the threshold of your house.  Feel free to knock on neighbors’ doors and stuff food down their throats as well.  Everyone appreciated a hot, oil-soaked latke.

3. Knit.   Carrying a knitting bag inside your overstuffed purse will prove useful at all sorts of inopportune times such as while sitting in a lecture/bar/social environment.

4.  Carry a large bag on your person at all times. Contents should include but not be limited to: gum, mints, pens, a lighter, at least 3 tubes of lipstick, Band-Aids, Advil, fast acting Advil, legwarmers, granola bars, and a spare pair of glasses (with oversized frames, of course).  Note: you should probably lose your glasses often, even if they're already on your face.

5.  Wear bright lipstick, brighter nail polish, enormous jewelry, and match clothing according to personal preference, not societal norms.

6.  Practice selective hearing.  (“What final paper?”  “Who’s Dishwasher?”)

6a.  It’s also appropriate to use speakerphone in public, due to your hearing inabilities. 6b.  On that note, listen to Oldies.  Music isn't made like it used to be.

7.  Play bingo regularly.

8.  Talk about the olden days frequently.  These olden days include times when Starbucks didn’t have an iPhone app and Facebook didn’t automatically recognize faces to be tagged in photos. Also, when walking around the neighborhood, make sure to loudly point out every place you've ever been to/sat in/thought about.  People are really interested in hearing that sort of thing.

9.  Collect coupons and loyalty cards.  If your wallet isn’t bursting with little piece of cardboard covered with various stamps at hole-punches, you’re not doing it right.

10.  Kvetch about being called a bubbe when you know that all you really want to do is sit around drinking tea and slurping soup while admiring pictures of cute kittens on the internet.  Perhaps while simultaneously watching daytime TV from your bathtub…

Grandma Issa

9 Things on My Chanukah List

The 12 year old I babysit for on the Upper East Side already has a Christmas Powerpoint ready for Santa, so I figured I better get started on my selfish give-me-things-please list.  Feel free to pick and choose what you'd like to gift me! 1.A geltfiend sweater. Or 8.  Because hipsters are Jewish too. You can also never have enough cat sweaters. A puppy swimsuit would also be acceptable.

2. A Twitter nameplate necklace. As today's Carrie Bradshaw, it's only natural I have the bling to match.

3. A Jonathan Adler pillow, particularly this one, but I'll accept any of them, really.

4. A ticket to Paris.  Just because.  A private jet would be nice too. On the same theme of totally practical gifts, perfect French speaking abilities overnight would be much appreciated as well.

5. Waterproof boots.  The poor Australian lambs that gave their lives for my Uggs still make my feet wet.  Sorry lambs.

6. A prettified apartment.  A Rug, mirror box, or hallway mirror are all very nice gifts. Also, a new pasta machine will guarantee you fresh pasta on demand for at least a few months.

7. A job at a magazine/blog/respected publication that allows me to work in my pajamas at a coffeeshop and pays the rent.. On that note, an unlimited Starbucks giftcard wouldn't be bad either.

8. New clothes for my iPad. A matching hobo bag would also be nice.

9. And World Peace.


Fabulous Finds: Kitty Sweatshirt

Found this purrrific gem at the Young Designers' Market on 14th St last weekend! The detailed cat fabric caught my eye, and as I spoke with the designer, Alexander Campaz, a Brooklyn-based artist, I knew I had to have this adorable sweatshirt. New Yorkers have complimented me on the unique garment, many asking if it's a Campaz piece, making me happy to own a part of the NYC art scene. Campaz only had a few yards of this fabric but his other designs are also trendy, and I have a feeling I'll be purchasing more from him soon... Risking the title of Cat Lady in my neighborhood, I've somehow found a way to pair Campaz's masterpiece into far too many outfits in the past few days. Put a Cat on it!