How to Not be a Terrible Houseguest

Tis the season to visit friends or more likely "friends" with homes in Nantucket, Napa, or the Hamptons, and while you're at it, you may want to not risk your chances of never getting invited back.  I've had plenty of guests in my miniature apartment over the years, from those who have willingly cleaned the floors to those who have left food (vomit?) out to rot for days after their visit.  Here are a few tips to not ruin your "friendships" and ensure you have a place to stay for summer vacation next year. Get invited here- again and again! Maybe. (credit)

Bring something. Don't arrive empty handed, it's tacky and cheap. You're better off bringing something tacky and cheap, like grocery store cupcakes. Thank your host when you leave, and even send a thank you note or an e-card.  It may sound silly but it's really appreciated and fun to get!

Offer to do errands or chores.  I love errands, so this is kind of a treat for me, but hosts will be super grateful if you offer to help out around the house.  Can you pick up extra paper towels?  Make dinner?  Go on an ice run?  Do it!

Don't hog the remote.  I've had guests who think it's their duty to tell me what to watch.  Um, no.  Let your host dictate your entertainment, and if they're polite, they'll pull a "you're the guest, let's watch what you want" kind of thing.  Then you'll both feel satisfied wasting precious beach hours in front of TLC reality shows.

Clean up. After yourself and the other person. Make sure you put your trash in the trash can and perhaps even take out the empty bag!  You'll certainly be invited back if you a) don't make a mess and b) make things shinier than when you left. Also, if you don't shower all weekend, your hosts will notice.  I guarantee.

Check your hosts schedule beforehand. When people notify me that they're coming to stay and I don't have enough time to prepare in advance, I kind of panic.  I work so many jobs with so many different deadlines, arranging my schedule in advance is super important, and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my guests!  If your host has work or a prior engagement, ensure her you'll be okay on your own, because you'll have work or visits of your own to take care of.

Know your budget. If you don't have a lot of money for the weekend, be upfront about it!  Prepare to eat in or do free activities- let your host know early on to prevent any disappointment or embarrassing situations.

Have fun! This probably discredits this post as anything remarkable but seriously, relax and enjoy the visit.  You're not there to mope or complain about your super stressful life, unwind and make the most of your time.

Who will you be?

What to Do When You Have a Sprained Ankle

A short survival guide for those of us who are dumb enough to wear heels in Manhattan.   Cry in bed.

Cry on your couch/futon.

Cry on the floor.

Yell about how much pain you're in to no one in particular, it’s good practice for being an old person...

Instagram your injury with a variety of filters.

Contact everyone who likes your instagram post begging them for sympathy.

Realize this is what your parent’s “emergency” credit card is for.

Stock up on cupcakes and macarons.

Make various playlists for your upcoming moods. (bored, annoyed, sad, desperate, repeat).

Make a pot of chili and deliver it to the homeless man downstairs (if you can walk down stairs).

Email pictures of you having fun to your grandma, who will appreciate them once you send someone to help her open the files.

Efficiently slim down your Netflix queue by watching on your laptop and TV simultaneously.

Practice your pimp walk.  Limps are sexy.

Use an umbrella as a cane.

Regret living in a walkup.

Regret skipping ballet all week.  You may never dance again.

Read Cosmo in the bathtub.

Text your therapist from the bath.  This seems like something celebrities would do.

Cry more.

Stalk yourself on Facebook and remove anything potentially embarrassing from your past.

Stalk everyone else you’ve ever met on Facebook and forward their embarrassing posts to a select group of friends.

Enhance your manicure with some elaborate nail art.

Re-organize your shoe collection in order of slightly dangerous to very dangerous.

Consider getting rid of dangerous shoes to avoid future injuries.

How to be a 22-year-old Bubbe

It has not so recently come to my attention that I have several grandma-like habits. I really enjoy being 22 going on 82, so I’m putting together a helpful list of ways you too can live the granny fabulous lifestyle! 1. Speak Yiddish.  Just throw in a few phrases here and there like, “I schlepped all the way uptown and all you want to do is go to 1020? It’s senior night at Havana!”

1a.  Use terms like “senior night” and attend events labeled as such.

2. Force-feed everyone and anyone who crosses the threshold of your house.  Feel free to knock on neighbors’ doors and stuff food down their throats as well.  Everyone appreciated a hot, oil-soaked latke.

3. Knit.   Carrying a knitting bag inside your overstuffed purse will prove useful at all sorts of inopportune times such as while sitting in a lecture/bar/social environment.

4.  Carry a large bag on your person at all times. Contents should include but not be limited to: gum, mints, pens, a lighter, at least 3 tubes of lipstick, Band-Aids, Advil, fast acting Advil, legwarmers, granola bars, and a spare pair of glasses (with oversized frames, of course).  Note: you should probably lose your glasses often, even if they're already on your face.

5.  Wear bright lipstick, brighter nail polish, enormous jewelry, and match clothing according to personal preference, not societal norms.

6.  Practice selective hearing.  (“What final paper?”  “Who’s Dishwasher?”)

6a.  It’s also appropriate to use speakerphone in public, due to your hearing inabilities. 6b.  On that note, listen to Oldies.  Music isn't made like it used to be.

7.  Play bingo regularly.

8.  Talk about the olden days frequently.  These olden days include times when Starbucks didn’t have an iPhone app and Facebook didn’t automatically recognize faces to be tagged in photos. Also, when walking around the neighborhood, make sure to loudly point out every place you've ever been to/sat in/thought about.  People are really interested in hearing that sort of thing.

9.  Collect coupons and loyalty cards.  If your wallet isn’t bursting with little piece of cardboard covered with various stamps at hole-punches, you’re not doing it right.

10.  Kvetch about being called a bubbe when you know that all you really want to do is sit around drinking tea and slurping soup while admiring pictures of cute kittens on the internet.  Perhaps while simultaneously watching daytime TV from your bathtub…

Grandma Issa