Alternate Title: Beware of Vomit. In order to take a shower in the Maison, one must accomplish a variety of tasks.
1. Be clean. Unless you are absolutely rancid, moldy, and absolutely disgusting to all people and cats, you may want to rethink your recent decision to shower. It is, in fact, a myth, that one must shower on a daily basis.
2. If personal hygiene is truly that important to you, you may want to consider the various alternatives:
a. Sponge bath. Each room in the Maison has a personal sink inside. Think about it. b. Sit in a Patisserie, absorb the smells of fresh baked macarons and tasty French treats. Or, alternatively, take a walk in the Luxembourg Gardens and gently brush past a few too many rose bushes c. Go for a stroll in the rain. Bring a bottle of shampoo. Lather, rinse, repeat.
3. If you absolutely insist on taking a proper shower, prepare yourself mentally. And physically. Listen to calm music, wrap yourself tightly (I emphasize tightly) in a towel, slip on some flip flops, and grab your Lysol, shower supplies, and pepper spray. All of these will come in handy over the next five minutes.
4. Tell a friend that you will be showering and if you haven’t tweeted fifteen minutes from now, she should send out a missing persons report.
5. Sprint to the shower room. If the shower is full, well, turn back already!
6. Lock the door. Oh wait, it doesn’t lock? How dirty are you, really?
7. Hang your towel on the towel hook. Towel hook? What towel hook? I don’t see a towel hook! Exactly.
8. Sanitize the shower. Put your shower supplies on the floor, there’s simply no other choice. Do not remove your flip-flops.
9. Beware of vomit.
10. Turn on the shower. Unless you’re a fan of ice-cold water, give it a minute, or five, to warm up. Yes, it will cool off over the course of your shower, but it’s nice to start out with some warm water.
11. Wash your hair and body quickly. You can shave in the sink. Any longer than five minutes in here, and you’ll leave smelling worse than when you arrived.
12. Do not be afraid of the dark. The lights will inevitably turn off during your brief visit to the shower, just remove any and all scenes from Psycho from your memory and you’ll be okay.
13. Tell the drunk German who opens the door to the shower you are quite obviously using that if he steps any closer you will fucking punch him in the face. If he doesn’t understand you, make random guttural sounds, scowl, and perhaps he will get the message. Otherwise, you have that pepper spray...
14. Oh, the towel that you threw over the door is missing? Fascinating. You can
a. Shout for help out the door, perhaps someone will maybe hear you a little bit? b. Sprint back to your room. Streaking is cool in Europe, right c. Wrap yourself in the shower curtain and strut down the hall in your new fish patterned vinyl couture. Tres chic.
15. You have showered. You have survived. Presuming you didn’t contract a deadly flesh eating disease during your short time bathing in Maison, congratulations!